Excuse me, Sir?

Have you ever been the subject of a mistaken identity? Have you ever seen a lady that looks like a man that looks like a lady? Or a man that looks like a lady that looks like a man? I've seen "It's Pat!" on SNL. Pat is a character whose gender is the mind-boggling question nobody can figure out. It's funny. But not when it's you.

Apparently, I'm mannish-looking. I don't see it. I think I clean up pretty well. I have figured out that it is only when I have short hair that I resemble a dude. You could say it's a pretty strong argument for growing my hair as long as possible. Thing is, I occasionally have a complete brain fade and cut it again.

Imagine....I was about 19. We had just moved to Virginia. It was summer and very hot. The kind of heat that makes me suddenly develop the urge to yell obscenities. My mom, dad, and I drove to the church. My dad was meeting a man there about a job lead. He went in; my mom and I stayed in the inferno on wheels. After quite some time, a middle-aged woman came out of the church and headed straight for us. She leaned in through my mom's open window and said, "I noticed you have been out here for some time. Why don't you come inside? It's nice and cool, and you (referring to my mom) can relax on the couch in the foyer." Then, as an afterthought, "...and your son can play basketball in the gym."

Imagine the horror. Any self-confidence I had was vaporized. I could feel it draining out of my body. I wanted to run...and I don't run. The last time I ran was when my kite string broke at the park, when I was 5! (Or actually, last year at the public pool in my bathing suit when my son ran from me. We won't go there now though, maybe later.) I couldn't grow my hair fast enough, but grow it did...just in time for me to have another complete brain fade and cut it again.

This time, my mom and I went to deliver a birthday cake to my mom's friend. The friend's elderly mother lived with her, and she answered the door. She told my mom that her daughter wasn't home. She said, "Why don't you and your husband come inside?"

Seriously. I am a girl! I have makeup and jewelry and....a bustline! Once more, I was completely crushed. My mom attributed it to the woman's old age and the fact that it was dusk outside. Whatever.

Well, it grew out and got pretty long. It's now about 15 years later. My hair had yet another rendezvous with the scissors, and I once again assumed my role as the androgynous stranger. My hair was short, and I got a perm. I decidely told my sisters that I thought I looked like Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch. As it grew out a little, I was driving in my car one day, and a brief glance in the rear view mirror revealed that I looked exactly like Javier Bardem in one of his recent movies.

It's longer again now, thank goodness. Although, if you pass someone on the street who looks like a lady that looks like a man, it might be me.