Thoughts

Here's what I think about being a mom:

Stretch marks: I don't need a GPS unit because I have my own road map on my stomach. Ha! You probably paid for one.

Laundry: I have dirty laudry from 1996! My laundry room could easily be mistaken for the scene in Close Encounters where he builds a giant volcano. Maybe I just need to add some soap and see what happens.

Dishes: If I ever need to hide something from my family, I have a great hiding place. Put whatever you don't want them to find under the dish towel. No one ever looks there.

Discipline: I can't really say much here. My son actually spanked me the other day, so I should probably apply to be on The Nanny.

Shopping: The planets and stars must be aligned along with naptime, snacktime, and crankiness level to make this work. If things go wrong, have a snappy comeback when someone asks if it is your child that just knocked over the green bean can tower. Something like, "The Jolly Green Giant did it. He's just jealous that the store brand is on sale. I've always known he had the potential for violence."

Diapers: I think I recently set a new record for holding my breath. I refer you again to the Close Encounters volcano set. I have nothing else to say.

TV: If I don't stop singing the songs to all the kid shows, I'm going to voluntarily admit myself to the psych unit.